Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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