I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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