My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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