I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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