This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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