so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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