trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Two words: blizzard sex
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
