so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
