thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
