My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
