Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
