I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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