wanna go halves on a baby?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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