I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
