chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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