you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Randomize
