Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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