I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
