Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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