like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
