the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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