i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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