Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
