well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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