his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
