Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
