i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
