and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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