Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
