I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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