i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
