Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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