and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
