I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I currently don't understand fingers.
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