Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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