Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
