Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
