I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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