I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
