I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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