It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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