I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
