I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
