youre lurking in front of me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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