Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
