Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
