just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
