I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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