Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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