I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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