He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
