I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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