guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm too high and old for this...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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