Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
